Out of fear of being misunderstood, or not at all, considered ungrateful, frowned upon, the feeling of failure and embarrassment on my side, all this held me back from telling my truth, to anyone, not a single person. Not forgetting the guilt of being underwhelmed and the feeling of disappointment. I did for sure expect so much and I was given a terribly painful and unanticipated slap right in my face, almost literally. The disappointment took its toll me, emotionally, physically and psychologically. I still wish I had felt butterflies in my stomach and fullness in my heart. With my first born, I missed the beautiful feeling I have heard and seen mothers describe about holding their babies for the first time.
My expected date of delivery for my first born son was 25th December 2013. This excited me so much. The thought of having my son on Christmas day, was to say the least, very heart warming. I searched for the names I would give him, it was thrilling. I planned for his first outfit would be all white, with his name and date of birth. I had really high expectations and big plans, all these came crashing down, right from the night I went into Labor. It all became a twist of plans.
A week before the day I was expected to give birth, I made a selection of of comedy movies to help me relax, as I waited for my baby. I vividly remember staying up late the night I got my movie collection, because I struggled with insomnia during my first pregnancy.
At about 02:30am, I started to experience what I was told by my doctor, are some of the signs of Labor. My instinct told me it was time. I kept thinking and hoping it was not time, I silently begged my baby to wait for Christmas! I was so focused on the date, I wanted everything to go my way, so when the labor pains did not stop, I felt like my body had failed me. I knew about first born children being delivered earlier than expected, I prayed that my case would be an exception, my prayer was not answered in my favor. This night led to the morning I had my first born son
Unfortunately, I was not exactly pleased with how things had turned out. I do not remember feeling happy, sadly. It was such an underwhelming feeling. I had a natural birth, and I was mostly glad about getting out of labor. I felt no joy or excitement. I did not even know or think It was possible for a mother not to be excited about her child's delivery.
To this day, I wonder why the nurse in charge of my delivery, handed me my baby, with his body facing downward. Perhaps, I was and I am making a big deal about it, but it did not seem right to me then, and not even to this very day. It was such an awkward encounter. I was truly disturbed by how my son was presented to me. She brought him to me, his face down, and asked me to pray for him. I was too weak to pray, I uttered about three words and fell back on my bed, with him on my chest, and that was simply all I did in the first few seconds of meeting my child. I did not feel any fire works.
My baby seemed sad, he looked like nothing I had anticipated. He looked drained and tired. He did not look happy. I did not feel the emotions I had hoped to experience. Frankly, there was no moment of excitement.
That was the beginning of my very painful journey with my first born, who is now late.
He seemed to be in pain, right from the start of his life here on earth. He looked sad, and so was I. Elijah was always in pain and I can easily number the very few days of his nineteen months alive, when he appeared to be slightly happy.
About the author: Priscilla Butera is a stay-home mother of two children under four years (a household C.E.O of sorts).
She is an English in literature teacher by profession, an event planner, free lance writer and aspiring counselor, counselling psychology, in particular. She obtained a bachelor of arts in Education, English in literature at Makerere University, Kampala, Uganda and has been a free lance writer, with The New Vision, mainly in the Sunday Vision for feature stories between 2012-2014.
In her own words; "Being a stay-home mother has been and continues to be a learning experience and training too. It requires managerial skills, like planning, organizing, budgeting and accounting plus so much more, regarding the all round supervision of a home and taking care of my household members, hence the title I prefer to identify with, at the moment, household C.E.O!"